Whole new attitude

So. I have had an epiphany. (OK I must stop here to brag that, apparently, I spelled epiphany right on the first try. Go me!). About Grad school, or possibly about my advisor.

See, my advisor and I butt heads a lot. She is a very confrontational, controlling person, and I won't stand for any bullshit. It is very stressful.

But I realized...it doesn't have to be stressful. I care too much what she thinks of me, and it distresses me that she doesn't respect my professional opinion. But I realized...she doesn't trust ANYbody's professional opinions, even those people who have years and years more experience than her. Why should she respect me scientifically when she can't respect her scientific superiors? No, that would be illogical.

When I started in this lab, she pushed for a much closer relationship than I was used to, and I think that was to my detriment. She said she sees her students as her kids. That she wants to protect us from failure. This has fucked with my head bigtime. I allowed myself to think that this was true. It's not. It was a device she used to try to get me to open up to her, and a device she uses to justify her paternalistic behavior towards her employees. In all fairness, I think SHE thinks it's true, but it isn't. Or, to put it another way, if she treats her actual daughter the same way she treats her employees, than she's a pretty shitty parent. But if I can sever this "close" relationship and move towards a professional one, like I had with bosses before here, than I can protect and distance my emotions from her constant negativity. I will never have her approval, nor should I desire it. She is not, and should not be, a parental figure for me. Her approval or respect don't matter. As long as I can finish my thesis and get a decent recommendation letter out of her once I go job hunting, nothing else matters in the meantime. I will no longer let her manipulations, her misreadings of my personality, and her berating my not being perfect bother me. Screw that noise.

And you know what? I've been living with this new attitude for the past week, and I feel great. For the first time in 3 years I feel the knots in my stomach loosening.

ZOMG Craziness!

So the last week has been just nuts. But first, the good news: Remember how I was going to fail a class because I missed 3 sessions (I didn't even know GRAD SCHOOL had attendence sheesh)? Well, I was just informed yesterday that my petition for late withdrawal was approved. Woot! The email included something to the effect of "This is a one-time get out of jail free card. Savor it!" So that's a load off my back.

But the rest of my week? Pretty shitty.

So for the last 4 weeks or so, I have been feeling pukey along with what LB tells me was heartburn (he's the expert in that, and I personally have never had it before in my LIFE). Then in the last week, I started getting a constant sharp pain in my stomach, like some alien baby was thinking about poking its way out. I took a pregnancy test just in case, and it was negative within like 10 seconds (it's supposed to take 3 minutes), so that wasn't the cause. I figured I caught some bug or something, so I went to the doc. I have gastritis! The precursor lesion for an ulcer! At 26! The doc said the three causes at my age are usually excessive alcohol, excessive caffiene, or excessive stress. We could easily rule out alcohol and caffiene, since I have 1 a week and 2 a day, on average, respectively. Doc asks "Have you been under more stress than usual lately?" to which I laughed sadly and nodded my head. Let's see:

• The class thing which would have been my first failing grade EVER since that one pop math quiz when I had been out sick in 3rd grade.
• More work than usual because my advisor has turned in 3 grants in 1.5 months, with one more due in a week and a half.
• One postdoc had to stop working to wait for his visa to get renewed so A piled half his work on me, in addition to my own.
• We got 2 new lab members which I have had to train on top of postdoc's work and my own increased work load.
• A is being a raving lunatic and yelling at everyone for even thinking about maybe placing half a toe out of line or not being supercrazy productive or perfecter than perfect.
• I have my annual works-in-progress talk, an hour long talk about my research in front of the entire department, on Wednesday and my bi-annual thesis committee meeting the following day.
• My f-ing WATER HEATER DIED. It had been leaking (slowly) for a while but in the last week decided to leak rather quickly. And everything in the basement got moldy and the cats wouldn't go in their boxes (located in the basement) because the humidity was making their litter wet.
  

So. Yeah. Bring it the fuck on.

Last night LB and I spent a good 4 hours cleaning out the basement, aided by a window squeegee LB found at his store and a dehumidifier and two fans he borrowed from his parents. It was gross. It was sticky. It was stuffy. But the basement is more than half dry at this point. New water heater is coming in bright and early Monday morning to the tune of $800. Goodbye tax rebate.

Oh yeah and to prevent further flooding? We turned off the water. Because lucky us, we don't have separate hot and cold water shut offs. Nope. Just one. So I filled every jug and tub and nalgene last night. We're manually filling the tank of the toilet for every flush (and now we have to live by that disgusting phrase "If it's brown, flush it down; if it's yellow, let it mellow"), and he's showering at his parent's and I'm showering at the gym. Oy.

So. That's what I've been up to.

To borrow a meme from velocibadgergirl, Listening to: Today I hate everyone by The Perishers.

If elephants never forget, then I work for a pachyderm.

The mystery of grace

So today I was (as usual) doing too many things at once. Or, perhaps, doing too diverse things at once. I was...reading while walking. I often do this. But I was also planning experiments. I went to turn left around a corner into my office, something I do probably 10 times a day. I misjudged my distance, and ended up turning about a foot and a half too soon. Straight into a wall. People ask me how I can have so many bruises and wonder if I might be abused. No. I just run into walls. Often.

Introducing A

So, at 4:55 PM today, my adviser (A, which does not stand for adviser but for the first initial of her name) frantically comes up to me. I brace myself.

A: Where are those slides you took the pictures of?

queenrandom: *raises eyebrow, for lo, I have taken pictures of 200+ slides since joining her lab 3 years ago*

A: The slides! You took the beautiful pictures! Of the fly eyes!

queenrandom: Ooooooh *remembering those pictures, taken 2 years ago*

A: They are supposed to be above the microscope!

queenrandom: By the Mac, right? Yeah, I put those back from where I got them.

A: Above the Mac?

queenrandom: Above the Mac. *nodding*

A: I can't find them.

queenrandom: *raising eyebrow because I KNOW for a FACT that A rearranged that entire room not 2 weeks ago*

A: I NEED THEM! *runs off in a tizzy*

45 seconds later....

A: *running up to me* I need you to check all your drawers for the slides.

queenrandom: OK, but my bus leaves in like 5 minutes so I have to go now. I'll look tomorrow. *knowing that I won't find them because she was the last person to have them*

A: I NEED THOSE SLIDES. Fine. OK. Whatever. Yeah look tomorrow. Thank you. *runs off in a tizzy*

Scaredy Cat

Ha! I just sprayed Febreeze in my office, while Milo was in here, and he just ran out with his tail tucked between his legs. Evil spraying sound! Something that doesn't smell like sweet, sweet cat ass! RUN AWAY!!!!!

Watch out for that Febreeze. It'll gitcha!