OMG the Fundies were right about something!

May 21, 2011 is Judgement Day, apparently.

Which just so happens to be the day that my degree is officially conferred and I walk/get hooded.  The world begins to end, when I get my Ph.D.

For myself and my classmates, it really is judgement day!

via

I pass! I pass! I pass! I don't fail!

Yeah that's right.  I defended my thesis yesterday.  I kicked its ass.  They were throwing tough questions at me right and left (ohai, I work on brain cancer and development, yeah throw those primary cilium basic biology questions my way), and I slammed 'em right into the outfield.  There was laughing and joking during the exam.  My corrections are very minimal; the department chair didn't even have any corrections for me.  I should be able to finish them in less than a week, which means 3 weeks of vacation time for me!  Booyah!

You can now call me Dr. Queenrandom.  Oh yeah.

Flattery will get you everywhere

Our rotating student thought I was a postdoc ("because you're so knowledgeable!") :D

Which begs the question, "WHEN WILL THEY LET ME GRADUATE ALREADY?!"

BTW: Got a postdoc lined up.  I'm very excited - the city is great, the area I'll live in is great (got that lined up too), the PI and I get along well (we're both grumpy old men, except I'm 30 and female...details), the project is something completely different that what I do, or what I thought I'd be doing, but it's very exciting.  I am so ready to be done with this grad school bullshit.  Hopefully my committee lets me set a date at my meeting next week.

O PI Where Art Thou

Trying to talk to my PI all day about exciting new data (last set of ChIP PCR finally worked!  Figure complete!  Hooray, lower annealing temp and Q Solution!) and hoping for advice on job search.

Always in a conversation with someone else.

Keep checking on office.

On phone.

Check again.

Left early for holiday weekend.

CRAP.

The big question: Will I still remember what I wanted to talk about on Tuesday?

The horse says, doctorate denied!

If you're contemplating grad school, or perhaps preparing for your thesis defense as I am, this episode of Futurama is obligatory viewing. (Note to self: do not show up to thesis defense sans clothes).

Getting Thesis Committes to Work for the Student: A Modest Proposal by a Student who's Been There and Back Again

I have often said that I like to live my life in clusterfuck: the week I got married, I decided to adopt my first pet and buy my first car; in a 2 year period I started grad school, bought a house, and bought a business.  You get the idea.  But lately, I'm starting to think maybe I just live my life in coincidence.  I have recently become part of a coalition of grad students at my institution fighting to get the school to take our career development seriously.  It hasn't been an easy fight, but we also have our allies among the faculty.  Our idea is to get some sort of centralized aid for students to learn about their options as scientists, to improve their scientific communications, to connect with potential employers/mentors, to learn what steps they can start taking to make themselves attractive for future grants, institutions, etc.  Students weren't being asked to review papers or grants, or encouraged to network at meetings, or guided with how to get a PI position, and worse, they were well aware of the bottleneck in positions as one climbs the academic ladder.  So, because a coalition of students doesn't necessarily have the power to force PIs to help their mentees with their careers, some students and myself have been working on an end run-around, to get our fellow students the development they need from the school if they can't get it from their mentors.

Now, one might say - and many have - that this is the job of the thesis mentor and, to a lesser extent, the committee members.  Well the problem is, to be perfectly frank, the mentors just aren't cutting it, and committees don't care*. 

Attention!

QR is in manuscript writing hell!  Including delays caused by: a computer virus, my mentor moving, jury duty, and weddings!

Hoping for a return to normalcy soon.  So I can do super fun things like try to find a job and write a thesis chapter by the end of the month.

You wish you were me.  Admit it.

Exhaling

I just got the official committee OK to go ahead and start writing my dissertation.


WOOOOOOOOO!   I WILL GRADUATE BEFORE I TURN 30!


Now to find a postdoc.....

Spring Cleaning

I thought I would be much less busy when I got back from a week long conference.*

I thought horribly wrong.

I am now Filled! With! Ideas!  in addition to having to finish up long-planned experiments and write my manuscript.  Oh and put together a journal club presentation, help plan and implement a career development series for the fellow's association, spend a day escorting around an invited speaker, and other various seminars.  April has been a bitch and May doesn't look much better.  I might not get any relief until my fucking cherished civil service of jury duty in July (apparently "I'm writing a goddamn dissertation and trying to find a job you fuckwits" is not a valid excuse for getting out of jury duty).

I'm also trying to fill out all the forms to transfer labs - my mentor is changing institutions and the plan is for me to go to a similar lab here to finish up the last few months of my training - and making sure supplies & such are in order for me to do so without too much disruption to my research.

To give you an idea of how busy I am, witness the current shameful, shameful state of my lab desk, which is the worst it has been....ever in my life:

Nerves

Queenrandom is leaving for her VBICM shortly and is pretty nervous about her talk, although the nice doctor gave her some shiny drugs that calm her nerves and cause her to write in the third person.  The conference is rather long so she doubts she can get any substantive posts written in the next week or so, after which regular Random Sample programming will resume.

Think happy good presentation thoughts for me!

Feelings of Fraud and Inadequacy in Grad School

I keep starting to write this post and then stopping.  This subject is very difficult to write about; it's very personal and one of my deepest professional insecurities, and I don't think I'm alone.  You see, I was talking with a couple of fellow grad students not too long ago, one senior student like myself, and a fellow a few years younger than us.  We were discussing data quality and publication, and I admitted that sometimes I feel like a fraud - sometimes I think my good data is all in my head, I'm imagining it, and someday soon some experiment is going to unravel my entire body of work.  The other old salt agreed with me, while the young pup exclaimed "What, you mean those feelings don't go away with success?!?"  All three of us were affected by classic impostor syndrome.  I read that women are more often affected by men, although anecdotally I was the only woman in that conversation.  I wonder if this is more common among certain fields or regions.

What I find even weirder is that as I achieve higher levels of success with my project, these feelings seem to intensify - the more I participate in the scientific field, the more chances there are that people will discover what an idiot I really am. 

Hindsight -or- Choosing a Research Mentor

The single most important choice of graduate school is choosing your adviser/research mentor. Your adviser affects nearly all aspects of your career:

• Science - Not only will your choice in mentor shape what projects you work on, but part of the job of the mentor is to train you in both scientific thought and methods. A good mentor will be able to train you to recognize the difference between good research and bad, when to stick with something or give it up, when to publish, and how to produce quality data.
  
• Continuity of Research - Your mentor will provide partial or total funding for your project through her grants, depending on institutional policies. It is critical you have the funds available to complete your thesis project; without them, there is no project!
  
• Writing - Your mentor will also guide you to learn scientific writing for meeting abstracts, thesis preparation and publication. It is crucial to learn good written communication skills; they are the bread and butter of science. Without quality publications, your hope for getting a J-O-B is practically nil. A good mentor will produce easy to understand, quality publications and help you to refine your own writing skills.
  
• Visibility - Related to the above, your mentor can determine how seriously your communications are taken, and whether they are even in existence. A good mentor will encourage your participation in national meetings and timely publication. Your mentor can provide you with contacts to people who work in your field of interest and can advise you on which academic societies are worth your time (and money!)
• Leadership - Your mentor also serves as a model for how you might run a lab in the future. She may also provide you with leadership opportunities within the lab so you can start to develop your own style. Leadership styles differ greatly; try to pick a mentor who is similar to the style you would like to emulate, but not exactly the same. You might learn something from the differences!
  
• Graduation - Your adviser should always have your graduation in mind. A good mentor will make sure you stayed in school long enough to get the skills necessary to do a postdoc, but not so long that they're taking advantage of cheap labor. They will press you to make progress, without demanding too much or allowing you to fizzle out and get a terminal Master's.
  

Given how very important your Ph.D. adviser is to your future career, choosing one can be very daunting. You might ask yourself, how do I rank potential advisers? Funding? Science? Personality? Success graduating students and placing postdocs? These are all important; only you can decide which is the most important for you, given your situation. For me, all the mentors I rotated with had interesting science with established projects, so I could eliminate that from my final decision making process. I made my initial decision based on appearance of funding (more on that) and leadership style.

But as you may be aware, I encountered some bumps.  Lots of bumps.  I chose my first mentor poorly and had to switch labs. My purpose, chickadees, is to prevent future baby Ph.D. students from choosing poorly.  Given my methodical mentor-choosing process, where did I go wrong?

I Must Be Insane

Here I am sitting at work at quarter to nine during what has to be one of the worst blizzards I have ever seen. Aside from the M.D. who is required to be here, I am the only person on my floor who decided to work. Well let me back up, there is a story here if I can glean it.

My current thesis adviser informed me this October - on the day I returned to work from a week and a half bout of H1N1, no less - that come June she was leaving this institution and accepting a better position at another institution. Having only been in her lab for a year, and after all the crap with my former adviser, I silently screamed, then had a heart attack. But we have a plan. The plan is, well, my work is going well so we need to get published ASAP. The hope is to at least be have the manuscript accepted and in revision by June. Ideally revisions would be completed by then and I could start writing my thesis while some other PI babysits me (this school is not huge on students doing things independently without the official, watchful eye of a faculty member). If not there are labs I can do my revisions in; we'll just make sure to order all the supplies I need before she leaves.

The upshot of this is that I've been working my (somewhat sizable) ass off since then to the exclusion of all else. I'm surprised my hair hasn't started falling out yet (I kid I kid). So I planned three huge and costly experiments for this week, taking multiple days each but the most work and expense culminating on the last day. It's called flow cytometry, and at my institution, we have a group of people who, once you've prepared your samples, will run them through the cytometer and do basic sorting and analysis for you. I have completed two and today is the last day of the third, which would conclude this chapter of my research and be a nice, pretty little graph in my manuscript.

Cue blizzard.

Work is da poop...and other obscure computer game references

My 28th birthday is coming up. It's the first time I feel a bit...sad about my birthday. I had a lot of goals, a lot of things I wanted to do before I turned 28 (most people pick like 30; I just roll a little different I guess). Some of them I've completed, but some of the bigger ones, I haven't, and those make me sad. I usually meet the goals I set out for myself, so not completing one is very disconcerting and demotivating to me. Also, I have to work on my birthday, and work is da poop.

Speaking of work, I have recently gotten some great results that really make my thesis project into a nice little (sexy!) story. The gene interaction I have found will really up the impact factor of my eventual paper, regardless of what I find next. I have a biological effect, backed by a known effector of the pathway, which is a very famous oncogene, and this interaction fits very well into a model of both normal brain development and medulloblastoma formation (which is what I am studying). There's more work to be done, of course, but I have a very solid foundation at this point which, in the context of thesis research (especially in my circumstances), is pretty fucking huge. So that's good. With hard work I think I can get out of here in 1.5 years maximum, 1 minimum, depending on if I'm lucky and all my experiments magically do not require troubleshooting :P

Healing

After my disastrous and traumatic experience in my first lab, I talked with a friend of mine - who, somewhat serendipitously, ended up occupying the previously vacant lab across the hall from my new lab - because he had also had a disastrous and traumatic experience in a lab, left, and completed his PhD in a second lab. It had been 3 months. I asked him how long it took to move on, because I felt, after 3 months, I should be completely over the abuse I suffered and get on with my research life. I asked him, how long until I feel at home again.

He told me that 3 months was way too soon to expect to feel better. That realistically, it'll be 6 to 9 months before I start to feel at home, like this is more than a temporary situation.

Holy crap was he right.

I had sort of an "aahaaaaaa" moment the other day where my project just started clicking with me. Where I started to feel ownership over my project, and over my place in this new lab. And it has been almost exactly 9 months. This is *my* thesis project now, not just my job, not just something I'm doing to fill the time until I decide to quit. I'm not quitting. And, so help me God, I am getting a goddamn paper out of it if it kills me. I didn't abandon 2 years of research - which I knew and know is getting tossed in the garbage merely out of spite - and put off starting a family for something temporary. I'm going to get this degree.

Go Go Gadget Gallimaufry

Uphevals

Well, I had to change labs. For those of you not in science PhD programs, that is a big, hairy deal. Basically? I lost 1-2 years off of my project.

In the end, though, it's a good thing. When I thought about spending another 2 years in that lab? I had panic attacks. I was scared and anxious every day. I was constantly (justifiably) scared of getting yelled at and called names. I had gastritis. My hair was starting to fall out. I couldn't have a conversation without getting defensive. Things were broken beyond repair.

There's so much more, but institutional policies, bla bla, plus, at this point, I just want to move on. I'm not afraid anymore and I want to keep it that way.

Since leaving? My stomach pains have all but disappeared. My hair has grown inches (in just 3 weeks!). My nails are suddenly so healthy I have to cut them every few days just so I can type without being annoyed. My relationship with my husband has improved dramatically, and I once again feel like, uh, gratifying him on a regular basis.

Life is good.


Let's get physical

So I am, like everyone and their brother, trying to lose weight. Not a lot, but started out slightly overweight and I'd like to get a little closer to the middle range of "normal" (according to the docs) before LB and I start trying to conceive (which, at this point, I have no idea when that's going to happen). I've been doing well, in bursts...10lbs gone since April! 10 more to go. Mostly it's a matter of developing healthy habits - eating well, drinking enough water, and exercising, none of which I was doing at the onset.

As a part of this, I've been going to aqua aerobics. It is awesome. It's me and like fifteen sexagenarians. So the other day, we are, as usual, dancin around to popular songs put to an aerobics beat, when the next song comes on. Dust In The Wind by Kansas. To a club beat. NNNN-TSSS NNNN-TSSS DUUUUUUUUUUST IN THE WIIIIIIIIIND NNNN-TSSS NNNN-TSSS NNNN-TSSS NNNN-TSSS And then I died a little inside.

When I finish my class, I head back to the locker room and take a shower. It just so happens that every Tuesday evening at 6:30, the gym gives tours to prospective new members. They pass through the locker rooms generally just after my post-aerobics shower, when I am changing back into my clothes, meaning they are often treated to me in gratuitous amounts of undress. That is how it came to pass that part of my gym routine every Tuesday evening is to flash my bare ass at random (innocent?) bystanders. I may not possess the sense of modesty to cover up, but hey, at least I'm polite enough to turn so they get booty instead of bush.


Deep Thoughts

Celebrity reality shows just wouldn't be the same without Danny Bonaduce.

I can't eat Fun'yns because they remind me of bunions and I'm convinced they'll taste like feet.

Getting out of a wet swimsuit is much more unpleasant than putting on a dry swimsuit.

Do all dogs think dead, rotten bird is THE scent that will drive ALL the ladies wild, or is it just mine?

I can't decide what is a worse wake-up call: Dog breath in my face or cat pouncing on my boob.

I like the word thesaurus. It engenders an image of a giant T-rex with a big ole book for its head rampaging through the jungle.


Dogs Rock

This video had me tearing up at work...and I'm not a crier!

Whole new attitude

So. I have had an epiphany. (OK I must stop here to brag that, apparently, I spelled epiphany right on the first try. Go me!). About Grad school, or possibly about my advisor.

See, my advisor and I butt heads a lot. She is a very confrontational, controlling person, and I won't stand for any bullshit. It is very stressful.

But I realized...it doesn't have to be stressful. I care too much what she thinks of me, and it distresses me that she doesn't respect my professional opinion. But I realized...she doesn't trust ANYbody's professional opinions, even those people who have years and years more experience than her. Why should she respect me scientifically when she can't respect her scientific superiors? No, that would be illogical.

When I started in this lab, she pushed for a much closer relationship than I was used to, and I think that was to my detriment. She said she sees her students as her kids. That she wants to protect us from failure. This has fucked with my head bigtime. I allowed myself to think that this was true. It's not. It was a device she used to try to get me to open up to her, and a device she uses to justify her paternalistic behavior towards her employees. In all fairness, I think SHE thinks it's true, but it isn't. Or, to put it another way, if she treats her actual daughter the same way she treats her employees, than she's a pretty shitty parent. But if I can sever this "close" relationship and move towards a professional one, like I had with bosses before here, than I can protect and distance my emotions from her constant negativity. I will never have her approval, nor should I desire it. She is not, and should not be, a parental figure for me. Her approval or respect don't matter. As long as I can finish my thesis and get a decent recommendation letter out of her once I go job hunting, nothing else matters in the meantime. I will no longer let her manipulations, her misreadings of my personality, and her berating my not being perfect bother me. Screw that noise.

And you know what? I've been living with this new attitude for the past week, and I feel great. For the first time in 3 years I feel the knots in my stomach loosening.

ZOMG Craziness!

So the last week has been just nuts. But first, the good news: Remember how I was going to fail a class because I missed 3 sessions (I didn't even know GRAD SCHOOL had attendence sheesh)? Well, I was just informed yesterday that my petition for late withdrawal was approved. Woot! The email included something to the effect of "This is a one-time get out of jail free card. Savor it!" So that's a load off my back.

But the rest of my week? Pretty shitty.

So for the last 4 weeks or so, I have been feeling pukey along with what LB tells me was heartburn (he's the expert in that, and I personally have never had it before in my LIFE). Then in the last week, I started getting a constant sharp pain in my stomach, like some alien baby was thinking about poking its way out. I took a pregnancy test just in case, and it was negative within like 10 seconds (it's supposed to take 3 minutes), so that wasn't the cause. I figured I caught some bug or something, so I went to the doc. I have gastritis! The precursor lesion for an ulcer! At 26! The doc said the three causes at my age are usually excessive alcohol, excessive caffiene, or excessive stress. We could easily rule out alcohol and caffiene, since I have 1 a week and 2 a day, on average, respectively. Doc asks "Have you been under more stress than usual lately?" to which I laughed sadly and nodded my head. Let's see:

• The class thing which would have been my first failing grade EVER since that one pop math quiz when I had been out sick in 3rd grade.
• More work than usual because my advisor has turned in 3 grants in 1.5 months, with one more due in a week and a half.
• One postdoc had to stop working to wait for his visa to get renewed so A piled half his work on me, in addition to my own.
• We got 2 new lab members which I have had to train on top of postdoc's work and my own increased work load.
• A is being a raving lunatic and yelling at everyone for even thinking about maybe placing half a toe out of line or not being supercrazy productive or perfecter than perfect.
• I have my annual works-in-progress talk, an hour long talk about my research in front of the entire department, on Wednesday and my bi-annual thesis committee meeting the following day.
• My f-ing WATER HEATER DIED. It had been leaking (slowly) for a while but in the last week decided to leak rather quickly. And everything in the basement got moldy and the cats wouldn't go in their boxes (located in the basement) because the humidity was making their litter wet.
  

So. Yeah. Bring it the fuck on.

Last night LB and I spent a good 4 hours cleaning out the basement, aided by a window squeegee LB found at his store and a dehumidifier and two fans he borrowed from his parents. It was gross. It was sticky. It was stuffy. But the basement is more than half dry at this point. New water heater is coming in bright and early Monday morning to the tune of $800. Goodbye tax rebate.

Oh yeah and to prevent further flooding? We turned off the water. Because lucky us, we don't have separate hot and cold water shut offs. Nope. Just one. So I filled every jug and tub and nalgene last night. We're manually filling the tank of the toilet for every flush (and now we have to live by that disgusting phrase "If it's brown, flush it down; if it's yellow, let it mellow"), and he's showering at his parent's and I'm showering at the gym. Oy.

So. That's what I've been up to.

To borrow a meme from velocibadgergirl, Listening to: Today I hate everyone by The Perishers.